My Child of Divorce

 And the iPod of shame

Oh readers, the ache and hardship of raising a teenager is known by many of you. It's a challenge for any parent. Throw in the addition of raising a teenager of divorced parents and good golly is there any hope for them to be normal?

I've been divorced from my teenager's father for 13 years; she's 15 now and life is getting ever more complicated. She went to live with her dad when she was 12, against my desires (but that's a story for another day) and since then I've battled for her spiritual health ever more fervently.

Her dad is a Christian but he's got a parenting style and, quite frankly, a personality I find appalling. But we parents of divorce deal with this kind of thing all the time. It is what it is and you just stumble along trying your best to do right by your baby stuck in the middle of your mess.

Recently it was discovered that my daughter had some very---unsavory and inappropriate heart breaking displays of herself in her ipod. I had to tell her dad about it because there is disciplinary action that needs to be taken that I can't enforce on an every other weekend basis. Her actions are the results of a deeper spiritual issue that needs to be addressed, and as her primary parent he has to decide how best to do that.

On my end, my husband and I sat down with her and our main focus was to stress for her to see herself the way God sees her. Her value, her preciousness to Him, her beauty that doesn't lay in her figure but in her heart. We pleaded for her to understand that people who would want to see her body objectified are not in love with her, are not true friends, and ultimately are not people's whose opinions matter.

She sobbed with excruciating tears that she hated the person in those pictures and that she just wanted to be liked. But being herself didn't seem to attract friends, so she did things she thought she had to to make people like her. How I could relate to her. I know those tears, I cried them too. And I did things as a young person that I cringe to think about, all in the name of being accepted.

I asked her to look in a mirror and repeat the things God says about her. She's fearfully and wonderfully made, she's a jewel in God's crown, she's the apple of his eye, she's a king and priest, she's beloved, she's chosen, she has a purpose, God's fingerprints cover her head to toe. It was hard for her to do but she did it.

After our talk, she was a snotty boogery red eyed mess but she was smiling and she felt loved. Even in the face of such shame, we made her understand she was loved unconditionally. Sure there was punishment. She will never see that ipod again and she's not allowed any contact with friends or allowed on any social media for who knows how long but she, for once in her life, did not argue about these consequences.

Enter her dad.

I cannot control what he does with her and I've told her to remember our talk, no matter what happens, to remember our talk. Next thing I know she's being yelled at on the phone that she has brought shame on her dad and his wife. She was told that this isn't about her but about them and what she's making them look like with her behavior.

Her dad lives in another city, she won't see him again till after Christmas break, so she's being tormented waiting to see what will happen when she gets home. In the mean time, he's giving her a wonderful hint as to what things are in store.

My heart breaks for her because despite our talk, she's going to need to feel that unconditional love from her dad and I fear that's not going to be the case. Oh he loves her, I don't doubt that. And I know, for a dad, how much more devastating it can be to see your daughter in such a way. But I also know that he is a representation for God's relationship to his daughter. She may begin to project her dad's words into God's mouth and she'll forget our talk because the shame overtakes her.

How do you, as the secondary parent, make your voice louder than the other? How do you parent with secondary authority? It's frustrating, and exactly why divorce should not be taken lightly.

If you are a child of divorce or a parent trying to get a handle on your child of divorce, chime in below. I'd love to hear your thoughts.